Simple Offerings

My best friend L emailed me today with something that stumped her. It was more of a wondering. She wondered why Ms E, who is 98 years old, did not phone her when she needed a ride to go shopping. L has stressed that Ms E feel free to phone her; my friend is the most naturally kind person I know.

Ms E has to be the coolest chick around. She had 3 husbands, of which the third turned out to be the love of her life; she also inherited his children. He was not Jewish but the children's mother was. Ms E's grandfather was a rabbi. His son, her father, was a socialist and an atheist. So was Ms E.

Ms E had a career in journalism. That is amazing, for a woman in the early days of the twentieth century. She often supported herself and her husbands. I like to ask people who have been on this planet much longer than I for words of wisdom. She reminded me of the Serenity prayer which asks G-d to grant us the wisdom to accept the things one cannot change, change the things one can, and the wisdom to know the difference. She said whoever wrote it forgot another line: to not accept anything unacceptable.

She told me that at one time, she was felled by bouts of ulcerative colitis. She got rid of husband number 2 and the colitis went away. My ears pricked up at that. I don't think that it was a miracle; but I think that she was wise. And that she is right about that prayer.

Every year, we gather to celebrate her birthday. We go to some steak house, and she orders a fancy drink and a nice slab of meat, which she finishes. Nowadays, it's a triumphant and defiant and hopeful countdown, like the ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve. She wants to make it to 100, fiercely. She walks with a cane, and she continues to live in her own house. She is one of G-d's great moments. Not only because she lives and continues to thrive, but because she relishes life, and is curious about people, still. Me, I'm thinking I might get jaded by that age.

She doesn't dwell on her Jewishness, though she is proud when presented with it. My friend gave her the book, The Gifts of the Jews for Chanukkah, and she loved it; for her, the accounting is like a curious historical artefact . Being Jewish is largely a label to her, a heritage, less important than her socialist leanings. When she dies, she is perfectly content to return to the earth. She does not believe in a soul and she does not care. She gives a whole new meaning to acceptance and faith.

It turns out that the reason she did not phone L about shopping was that she didn't want to "put her out". I know how she feels. I used to get a ride to services (which otherwise takes me almost 1 1/2 hours in travel time one way, 2 hours return)but then I stopped going for a while. Each time, I would have to phone and ask these people for a ride. In all the time I have been away they have not phoned me nor inquired why I was not going to services, etc. To give them their due, it is not as if they are obligated, anyway; and they have been kind. But for me, it becomes awkward.

I have a friend who, before she was my friend, used to offer me a ride all the time when I was sojourning in Los Angeles. She even stopped her car while I was walking, to offer me a ride. I rarely took her up on it, but in the meantime, she took on the image of someone I could depend on. I learned from her, and from the incident with L and Ms E, that the most important thing in doing chesed (deeds of lovingkindness) is to be sensitive to the needs of others, to scope out that need all the time, like radar, and to offer, offer, offer, so extravagantly, to the point of annoyance. And believe me when I say that my lala friend got annoying.

People say Judaism is so complicated. No, it is quite simple. Like my dear and wise Ms E, it does not accept the unacceptable.